I’ve been feeling a bit off lately – like that feeling you get when the grief wave hits but this felt different somehow – I couldn’t work out why until I realised that subconsciously this would be the year our wee Francesca would be starting school this week. And it hit me like a ton of hard ass bricks when I realised. When I finally allowed myself to slow down and take time out to ask myself “what the bugger is up with you” and work out why I couldn’t get it together as fast this time. I’ve become a master of sorts at compartmentalising my emotions but this time was different.
From the minute the doctors told me she had died my brain switched into autopilot and it’s not stopped since. It functions on fumes daily it seems and the noise and clutter within it haven’t ever stopped. When it came to the “firsts” over that first year after she died, you know the first birthdays, anniversary, family gatherings etc it was brutal on the heart and I was relieved when the dreaded “firsts” were done and dusted! But they never really were as there was always some other “first” that popped its wee asshole head up just to remind us that yes we really did have to say goodbye to our baby before we even got to say hello. That yes, that funeral we had for her was very real and not a nightmare as hoped.
I really believe the pain will always be there and when it needs to come out then it NEEDS TO COME OUT! Whether you cry your heart out for a good 5 hours straight or hide away for a week to ride out that grief wave then guys, you got to do what you got to do to survive.
I wish more than anything that we would be one of those lucky goofy families taking that first day at school picture and waving her off at the school gates with all the other parents but that life wasn’t ours to dream. It was taken away. And for that, it seems another chapter starts … another first we will never have and it’s not been the best time trying to work through the messed-up thoughts and emotions I’ve been trying to push down.
But they always find a way out at some point, don’t they… 💔❤️ #stillbirthsurvivor
As always, for Francesca and our little miracle lion man , Leo xxx