I have really missed writing in my wee blog but I just couldn’t find my way back to it amongst the covid sh** show that had been the last couple of years.
Like many others dealing with the loss of their child I had to work out a way to cope with the darkness and pain, I was constantly in. I learned to compartmentalise my emotions and found ways to constantly keep myself busy to avoid having time to think. The memories hurt too much and I couldn’t take the pain anymore. Especially not while trying to care for newborn baby so soon after his sister died.
I was trying to learn how to be a mum after my life had been shattered into a million pieces. I also didn’t know how to keep writing in my blog anymore. It was there for my daughter to keep her memories alive and I was so aware of how triggering it could be to see me talk about Leo too. It used to rip my heart out when I would see news of another rainbow baby announcement after Francesca died. I was angry at the world and as much as I was so beyond happy for people’s baby news it also crushed me with the mixed emotions and fear that I would NEVER have the chance to bring my baby home and I just knew I wouldn’t survive another loss like that. I couldn’t possibly and neither could Steven.
I get it! It’s f*****g hard and I kinda want to start getting my thoughts out again. Who knows where I’ll go with it but I wonder if there may be a place for a wee blog like mine to show what life is like 4years on and that’s there’s ALWAYS hope even when you don’t think there is ❤️ As always For Francesca. Forever loved and forever missed…. And now always for Leo too – My little miracle sent from the angels and his big sister on her little cloud 💙
#forfrancesca #stillbirthawareness #stillbornstillloved
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