Living or Existing?

These last 4 months since Leo was born has flew by…actually the last year since Francesca died then was born has. What has actually happened to this massive portion of my life. 2018/19 has disappeared in a haze of grief and happiness all at once. I think i’ve been living in some crazy twilight zone where time moves a little bit different for all of us in the bereaved parent club that no one wants to be a part of. You know the one where you want time to pass quickly incase that tiny glimmer hope is true that time might heal our a brokenness a little and things wont always be so painful but then want it to stop altogether. You want it to stop moving away from the last time you ever seen your child. You need the world to just bloody stop for a minute and let you catch your breath. I wonder how it can possibly be “last year” already since Francesca died?.

 

I feel like iv been robbed a bit of Leos first few precious months on earth in the sense that I haven’t allowed myself to fully accept he’s here, he’s safe, he’s healthy and he’s ALIVE. I was/am so scared that the universe was/is playing another cruel joke on me and that even though my gorgeous baby was born alive that something cruel and awful would happen and he would/will be taken right back off me again. I was/am terrified of something happening to him and that it would affect my ability to bond with him because of this. Would the walls of defense I cemented up sturdily around my heart stop the love I feel for him to break through the bricks. When I was pregnant with Leo, I constantly worried about this…how could I allow myself to love something so much again as the pain is beyond unbearable when they leave and in my mind set everything I ever love again will leave me. I don’t know if that’s part of the grief but I fear this more than anything now. I’m frightened to love anything too much as maybe I’m sealing their fate to be taken away, how crazy is that? I worry that all my loved ones will be taken away from me now or that something bad will happen to me now. Its a pretty grim existence. And its that word that sums up the struggle of my life and parenthood now, existence. I feel like I’m simply existing at the moment instead of living life and I hope I can change that. I hope my heart allows me that grace.

 

I am so grateful to say that thankfully when Leo was born the love I felt far outweighed the fear and I had no choice in the matter, I loved this special wee boy more than I ever thought possible and even though there’s fear still in my heart it hasn’t affected my ability to bond with my son. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to say that as once you’ve suffered a loss so great nothing is ever rational again. You’re a mix of confusing emotions so strong you’ve no control over them and fear is one of the ones I struggle with the most. I have always been extra aware of looking out for the signs of post natal depression in me especially as I owe it to my son to have this awareness around it and not be afraid to talk or ask for help when I felt things were getting on top of me.  This is something iv been getting help for recently although I cant say its PND that’s causing my feelings as with the GPs help I’m trying to clear some of the fog surrounding my grief to break the barriers downs within my mind without worrying too much about “naming” a particular condition when its more than likely there’s a few separate things intertwining but I feel its important that I acknowledge these feelings and do my best to work through it anyway I can . I owe it to myself to allow myself to become healthy again without “survivors guilt” hanging over me but I cant promise myself i’ll ever be able to fully let myself do that.

 

I wonder if others out there feel the same way I do after experiencing similar tragedies. Its just another part of my grief journey I guess. One I hope to overcome one day.

201905054557560730566939979.jpg(My baby girl)

As always for Francesca and Leo xxx

11 thoughts on “Living or Existing?

  1. Yes. 100%. Grace died on 11.11.16 and was born on 12.11.16 at 39+6. Her little brother was born 05.11.17. Pregnancy was a blur. A mix of fear, grief, tiny glimpses of happiness, more fear, more grief. When he brother was born he was quite unwell and spent a week in NICU. Getting him out and home I was so happy. But the fear and anxiety, dear God it was (is to a lesser extent) so overpowering. Everything you’re feeling resonates with me. It’s 2 and a half years since Grace died, and I’ve no idea how that happened! I miss her just as much as ever, it doesn’t fade – but I know I am beyond blessed to have her big sister and little brother here with me. My greatest fear, and source of anxiety, is anything happening to them. I just try to take each day with them, knowing how much joy they bring me and knowing that noone could possibly love them more ❤ xx

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    1. Thank you so so much for taking the time to read and reply with a little bit of your story.it really means a lot.im so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wee Grace. Baby loss at any stage is beyond heartbreaking but at full term I think the shock is something additional to deal with as if like us it was completely & I guess in a way naively unexpected. I love how you write about all your babies and its clear you are very loving mummy of 3 xxxx

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  2. ❤️❤️❤️ Parenting rainbow babies is a very difficult job, especially when you have guilt, tiredness, overwhelming love and grief all mixed in. Sending you lots of virtual hugs x

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  3. I cannot begin to pretend I know your feelings and even though I almost lost my son and he spent 42 days in the NICU, that doesn’t come close to what you’ve experienced. You have such perseverance and strength, it’s admirable. I pray for you always as I share my sentiments on Instagram. You are a lovely mother and a beautiful soul. You make me cherish my boy even more having following your story so thank you for that. 💕💙

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    1. Hi Ashley im so sorry I just seen this msg, thank you for such lovely words it really means the world that you took the time to read this and spend time commenting , that must have been so so awful for you going through that with your wee boy, thankfully he pulled through, what a perfect little miracle he is xxxx

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  4. Oh Charlene I can imagine how sucky it must be. Especially because you may be feeling guilty for not soaking in all the precious moments with Leo. Some persons may say you should be grateful etc but we know you are so very thankful to have Leo in your arms to hold. It’s just so hard because you’re so scared of all the what ifs- what if I get attached and something goes wrong? Parenting after loss isn’t rainbows and unicorns and I hope persons understand this. I’m so scared of trying again for one of these very reasons. I am so heavy with guilt. Being a grieving parent sucks. Just want to let you know you’re doing a great job from where I’m sitting ❤️❤️

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    1. thank you so much for this lovely comment and for all your relatable words! all so true! everything is just hard now and bittersweet for mums like us but we just need to get through it as best we can xxxx

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