As I sit here writing this I still cant believe my baby boy is here! I had 9 months of my brain telling me over and over again that I shouldn’t have any faith as something will go wrong and we will need to relive losing another child, that we WILL go home empty handed from the hospital again leaving our baby behind. It didn’t matter how much extra care we got or how many people told us “lightening doesn’t strike twice” ( for the record that used to make my blood boil when I heard that for many different reasons) I just couldn’t see a day when life was the way it was supposed to be after pregnancy. You know, that daft expectation that you fall pregnant and 9 months later you find yourself in labour with your partner at your side welcoming your little bundle into the world .. you get to take home your baby and plan your families future together ..its expected, taken for granted almost, you reach the “safe points”, you see all the facebook/Instagram updates of those who were pregnant at the same time as you updating their new baby news with gorgeous little pics of them holding their little pink bundles in their arms and you think ” that will be us soon” but then you soon find out just how bad, BAD can get and just like that your mind fully switches into I guess a kind of survival mode where you expect the worse but maybe hope for the best all in the hopes to protect whats left of your heart.
So to sit here on my couch with Leo snoozing soundly beside makes my heart fuller than I can ever describe. I didn’t think we would ever smile again but with his entrance into the world he brought such a a massive light with him and made us “feel” something that wasn’t sheer heartache. I know he’s here , I can see him , hug him, bathe him, feed him, stare at him any time I want and take 19 million pictures but I still dont think i’ve fully processed our new reality almost like those 9 months have left a massive emotional hangover and the feeling of dread that I cant shake. I hope that one day when he is old enough he will realise really just what a special little baby he is and how much he means to so so many people out there..just the way his big sister does too .
As always For Francesca Alexis (& thankfully now) Leo Ian Johnston xxx