For Francesca begins…

We found out we were pregnant almost 1 year to the date where I’m writing this. Within that time we have celebrated many things and mourned so so much more…We found out that we were having a baby on Saturday, 27th May 2017 and soon found out her due date would be 31st January 2018 meaning she would share the same birthday as my dad, so that had to be a good sign, right?

I remember Steven and I being so completely happy at each and every scan when we got to see her wee outline on the screen and to know she was perfectly happy and healthy in mummy’s tummy. We loved seeing her so much we even paid for extra scans privately as we just couldn’t wait to meet her so we just wanted to soak as much of her in before that date arrived. We moved from our flat into a lovely home with a garden where we could picture her running around in and playing in her paddling pool.

We quickly began refurbishing the house to make it fit for a baby. I cleaned, picked furnishings and organised her room while her daddy painted and built so much Ikea furniture in her nursery I thought his hands would fall off, all the time with the biggest smile on his face, so proud to be a daddy to his little princess to be. We promised each other we wouldn’t buy her anything until she got here but each night we would come home and our arms were filled with bags as we just couldn’t resist and soon she had enough to fill a walk in wardrobe, which again her daddy had to build. We promised that  we would bring her up a polite, caring and loving little girl who wasn’t spoiled, but truth be told we would have gave her anything she wanted as she had us wrapped around her tiny fingers the day those blue lines appeared on the test.

I was so proud of my bump and we celebrated birthdays,  her baby shower, family and friends gatherings, Christmas and all 4 seasons of the year with her. Each night we would check our bounty app for any updates on what she would be doing as a bump now. Each Wednesday we found out what her new foot size would be and what fruit our bump had became this week. Each morning before work, Steven would race downstairs to change the baby calendar so we knew how many days were left. We attended our antenatal classed with all the other excited mummy’s and daddy’s. Steven just couldn’t contain his excitement and was so protective over both me and our wee “bumpy chops” Francesca. Her due date approached , then it came and went and as the days ticked by I would eagerly bounce on the gym ball eating pineapple and Steven made me laugh as he sat on the couch reading the baby book for the millionth time to learn about breastfeeding and the best ways to soothe a crying baby.

Then at exactly 1 week past her due date on the morning of the 7th February 2018,  I was in labour and when we got to the hospital we found out there was no heartbeat and our baby had died…. Francesca had died and so did our hearts! We were completely and utterly shattered and to this day no words will ever describe the pain you feel to know your baby has gone and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make her come back.

Francesca was born on Thursday 8th February at 6.01am weighing 8lb 11oz with her daddy right at mummy’s side and the most loving midwifes there to help her come into the world.

Francesca was a baby who loved bath times and always got excited in her wee bump when the water splashed against her. She loved lemon San Pellegrino so much her daddy nearly went bankrupt buying in the latest shipment from the local Tesco for her mummy. She loved pineapple so much her mummy started to take reactions from eating so much of it over the last couple of months. She loved to listen to music and bands such as the Stereophonics , Kings of Leon and some Mumford & sons but was also partial to a bit of Pete Tongs latest collection.

Francesca was a baby…….. She wont be defined as simply another statistic or stillbirth … she was our baby and she has a very big family who love her very very much.

We are just so broken that we will never be able to read her a bedtime story , give her cuddles, watch her sleep or grow up into a beautiful , loving and caring woman. We will never be able show how much she really was wanted and loved from the day we all knew she existed and that will forever break our hearts until we pass over to other side to meet with her again one day and catch up on all those lost cuddles.

Francesca Alexis Johnston , Still born but forever loved and forever missed xxx

 

 

 

 

24 thoughts on “For Francesca begins…

    1. Thank you so much Rosie. I struggle to even read this post back as it hurts my heart too much knowing that we cant be with her anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. Cxx

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  1. So heartbreaking but so beautiful 💖 i cant imagine what all of you and your family are going through. Francesca will live on through you all and I am so sorry she isn’t here to enjoy the moments with you all. Well done for writing your first blog piece sweetie it is so important to talk about her. She will always be your baby and nobody can take away the fact that you are and always will be her mummy and daddy. I hope you realise how strong you are just for writing this down on paper and how much it will help another grieving parent. Love Always xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and leave such a beautiful message. It took me a long time to finally write this piece and even longer to press publish but its out there now and comments like yours make it all worthwhile xxxxx

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  2. What an incredible blog to read… so much emotion and feelings shared. You both should be so proud of the mummy and daddy you are, your little girl has left a positive mark on the world and will live on through your raising awareness.

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    1. Thank you for this beautiful message. It was so hard trying to write down her first piece and relive the happiest times of our lives along with the worst but she deserves a wee legacy to be left and her story to be told . I wasn’t sure If anyone would read this so to receive such lovely comments like this is such a lovely surprise xxx

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  3. Oh god I can’t stop the tears!!
    Reading your blog has truly touched my heart, I already have so much love for you and Steven and now for your beautiful daughter Francesca, she will always be loved and remembered and will always be part of our family and be your daughter, and she loved her mummy and daddy from that very first heartbeat, and she sounds like she was already in charge fm the music she preferred to her favourite fruit ❤️❤️❤️❤️Xxxx

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    1. Thank you for saying that Alana, it means a lot to us. We just loved her so so so much and cant imagine this life without her now. Sending hugs your way xxx

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  4. Charlene and Steven, my heart breaks for you but what you are doing is amazing and I know it will help so many other people. Reading this beautifully written story about the perfect little girl brings her to life I just wish it could bring her back to life. You guys are wonderful parents and I send you all my love. Kirsti x

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    1. Aww thank you so much Kirsty for taking the time to read this blog and send such a lovely msg. I’m so glad it’s came across in the way wee wished for. I’m looking forward to seeing Francesca’s blog grow xxxx

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  5. Lots of love to you both. Such a hard time for you all as a family. Such lovely words you have written although I have no idea how you have managed to put your feelings into words. Francesca is such a lucky girl to have you both as her mummy and daddy. The memory of her will always live on through you both 💕😘

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    1. Thank you so much for leaving such a beautiful comment,
      It means so much for you to have taken the time and read this ♥️Xx

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  6. What an amazing, brave and beautiful mummy & daddy yous are inside and out. I cried for yous when I first heard the news and also when I read this. I hope this helps yourself and others who have lost a child. My wish for you both is that you find comfort, hope & strength for the future. Sending all my love to you both and little Francesca xxx❤❤❤

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    1. Thank you for ur lovely msg Clare & for sharing our grief by understanding our loss, was a pleasure to read such a lovely msg . I’m not sure that “stillborn babies” are always seen as our baby’s by some people who may not understand so hopefully we can all raise some awareness if we just keep talking about our list children xxxxx

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  7. Absolutely beautiful and very moving piece. Francesca has a very special Mum and Dad. Much love to you 💕💕

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  8. Thank you for taking the time to write this. My son Ruari was still born 10 days overdue on 23rd May 2017 and so so much of what you wrote resonates with me. My son loved baths too, and seemed to have a taste for bacon – just like his Daddy. It was so brave of you to share your thoughts so soon after your loss. Our babies were just that: babies! Not statistics or something to “move on” from. Forever loved, forever a part of our families and forever precious xxx

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    1. Aww Danielle I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Ruari. I was just telling Steven how ur baby loved baths too & bacon.. teehee 🦋I hate that you’ve had to share in this tragedy as I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you are on insta I’d love for you to follow along, i try and post daily about my journey through losing our baby girl, most of it’s just probably babble but sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone in this ,also hownsuper proud am I that you have just quoted my words back to me, honestly means so so much to us xxxxx

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  9. You are really brave writing this your beautiful baby Francesca will be so proud of her mummy and daddy. My little princess was born asleep in 2012 weighing 8lbs 3oz reading Your story brought back so many memories, I know your lives will never be the same again hearts broken for you both, your little princess wil always be loved and never forgotten. X

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    1. Aww Sonia I am so so sorry for your loss of ur baby girl too.my heart breaks for u and ur family 💔what was her name?such a healthy weight too, bet she was beautiful 💕thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I also have an insta I use t try and document my journey through loss so if you’re on it it’d be good to chat to you there too as it’s such a helpful community xxxx

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      1. Hi there , sorry I don’t have any social media and came across your blog via simba. My little girls name is Yasmin she was beautiful lots of dark hair and was wanted so much. I hope you find some comfort talking to other parents who have unfortunately been through the same to show you that you and your husband are not alone , nothing will ever take your pain away but just talking to someone who has been there and understands the deepness of your loss does help, it’s took me five years to realise that , I didn’t want to tell anyone my story and now I talk about Yasmin everyday , grief is a horrible horrible thing and it effects everyone so differently , your very brave , take care x

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  10. Beautifully written. We lost our daughter at 4 days past her due date on 1st July 2013. Everything you’ve said is so perfect. Jessica is and always will be our baby not just something that happened. Sending love to you all xxx

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  11. I have followed your story from day one and have nothing but admiration for how u as a young couple have coped with this sadness I don’t know u but feel I do if that makes sense ur beautifull little girl will be looking down on u saying that’s my mummy and daddy.Francescas memory will live on through both of u xx

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