A letter from her daddy

On the way home from the hospital we were just so so broken and could barely  function or speak more than 2 words to each other. We both dreaded going home to where Francesca’s beautiful nursery was with all her wee things. We hated that we would need to travel back there in the same car we arrived at the hospital in full of excitement, where her car seat was that had been fitted by her daddy a few weeks before while we waited on her arrival, knowing we would never get to take the obligatory photo that mostly all mums do of the proud daddy’s carrying a car seat as they leave the hospital with their beautiful wee miracles safely tucked up inside.  God, thinking back we spent months deciding on that bloody car seat.. would it be safe enough ?, comfy enough?, big enough for her long legs?… Thankfully for me, Steven had taken out the car seat so I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing it which must have been so hard for him to do.

Thankfully Stevens mum and his aunt had thought to come back to ours to put the heating on as it was in the middle of our freezing cold winter that Scotland loves to hit us with. They had also noticed that flowers had been sent from Stevens work as condolences and had been delivered to our lovely neighbours which they kindly went in to pick up for us, updating them of our sad news at the same time. The neighbours actually thought these were congratulation flowers so were excited to hear our news when we got home. This is something we will be forever grateful to Stevens family for as we didn’t have the strength to do that ourselves and dreaded bumping into them while walking Dakota or even something like taking the bins out.

I felt incredibly weak from the shock of everything and had decided to go for a lie down for an hour and had left Steven alone downstairs which must have felt like hours on end for him. When I woke up it felt like the grief had newly hit me all over again the way it does every morning now and it was obvious Steven was just as distraught. To my surprise he had taken that time to write a letter to Francesca about all the things he would miss out on by losing her. This was a complete surprise to me as  Steven is what you would call a “mans man” and doesn’t bare his feelings often but it was such a beautiful letter . It was a daddy’s perspective and we even decided to have it read out at her funeral and for that I will be forever proud of him for writing those words to her.

Steven has given me permission to share this letter publicly so that any other daddy’s or grandpas who may be reading this might feel some comfort to know we understand how much they are hurting too.

A letter to Francesca

I will never feel you kick your mums stomach again.

I will never see your chest rise as u sleep.

I will never hear or feel your breath.

I will never see you open your eyes.

I will never get to feed you.

I will never hear you cry.

I will never see your face smile.

I will never hear you giggle and laugh.

I will never feel your hand grip mine.

I will never hear you say mum or dad.

I will never see you take your first step.

I will never see you reach out your arms to grab me.

I will never see you running towards me or catch you in my arms.

I will never push you on the swings.

I will never get to walk you to school or pick you up.

I will never get to teach you how to swim.

I will never get to embarrass you in front of your friends.

I will never catch you smoking and shout at you.

I will never see you go in a huff with me.

I will never see you ride a bike.

I will never get to teach you to drive.

I will never get to buy your first car.

For Francesca Alexis Johnston, born on the 8/2/18 at 6.01am, weighing 8lb11oz. Stillborn but forever loved and forever missed xxx

 

12 thoughts on “A letter from her daddy

  1. This made me cry reading this. I think all too often men are forgotten about during things like this. I’ve suffered miscarriages and I know my husband at the time struggled with feeling like he could talk about it or show how upset he was too.
    Thinking of you both ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. aw joy thank you for your lovely message. I am so so sorry you both suffered the loss of your babies, my heart break for you. That’s it isn’t it? the men think they need to be strong with no emotion but how can they .. they’ve just lost their baby too. We have been very lucky that any support we have received has been for the both of us but I cant imagine how awful it must be for the dads that don’t have that xxxx

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  2. Such a beautiful and sad letter for Francesca from her daddy. You are such special parents and through heart ache and deep pain you are helping others . Francesca has a beautiful mummy and daddy. Thank you Steven for sharing such a special letter I feel privileged 💌🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a beautiful message, we both feel privileged that you took the time to read this , honestly thank you so much for all you support and kind words xxxxx

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    1. Thank you for such a lovely msg and for taking the time to read this. Your comments mean so so much to both of us . Can’t wait to see your blog keep progressing also cx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This made me cry so much,Broke my heart reading this. Your little girl is so lucky to have parents like you Both. I am so so sorry for you guys. ❤️ Xxx

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  4. What a beautiful letter and this site is such a lovely tribute to Francesca. How brave and strong you both are and how incredibly kind of you to give to other while your hearts are broken. You will comfort many people with your story. I am send you both lots of love.
    Teresa xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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