As I write this i’m, well, i’m struggling. I’m struggling with the sadness of the thought of what’s to come because we’re moving from the home we love and once thought was going to be our “forever happy home”.
This happy little home we bought full of smiles and hopes for our families future is now suffocating us at every turn with the memories of what’s been lost forever. The home we bought from the nicest young couple and has the kindest neighbours on the prettiest street. The home we moved into on the hottest day probably ever recorded in Scotland and on the day of Francesca’s 12week scan. We collected our keys on the way home from the scan after we found out she was a healthy little one and her official due date was to be my dads birthday of 31st January 2018. When we turned the corner into our new street we seen that our family were all waiting in tow to welcome us in to our new beginnings and a future full of happiness. Even though I was so ill in the throws of HG it was possibly one of the happiest days of my life as I remember looking around and thinking how did I get so lucky.
This home has the cutest little garden where Francesca’s little play house was being built by her grampa who was possibly a bit premature in planning this considering she was still only a wee bump by this point. But everyone was just so excited for us and after all these years together our little family would almost be complete.
But i’lI always remember that awful awful feeling, knowing we had to go home after Francesca died and see all her little things ready and waiting for her. I would see the bed where she more than likely took her last breath while I lay on it, I would see the bath that I lay in trying to ease contractions not knowing she was already gone by that point. We would see the couch where we spent the last few months laughing about the size of my ever growing bump. We both dreaded going back to that house but we had no other choice and we have did our best to try and make this home a happy home again especially for Leo as many sad memories there are happy ones like this being the home where we found out we were having our little boy in and all the beautiful memories we’ve made with him since he’s been in the world. I’m so grateful for his little smile lighting up our lives and he does it right next to the pictures of his big sister but we know this home isn’t ours anymore , its no use, its too hard now and we need to let it go. I don’t know who’s home this is now but I know it isn’t ours and i’m beyond heartbroken at having to admit that to myself now.
Steven wanted to move home immediately after we came home from hospital and we both changed jobs, changed everything else about ourselves that we could but we agreed to not make a drastic decision about our home because as much as we wanted to run away (we’d have moved to Timbuktu if we could have to try and escape the pain) we didn’t want to leave “her” home and “her” room. That’s another thing I think that has prompted our decision to leave because we know its time for Leo to move into his own room which we have spent many months trying to get perfect for him but in our minds that’s still his big sisters room and we cant shake the feeling of dread every time we go in there. We hadn’t realised until we spoke to each other a couple months back that we had both been dreading the day he goes in there as something just doesn’t feel right to us about it. I was surprised as I didn’t know Steven had been avoiding the room as much as me and felt the same as I thought I was maybe overreacting or something but knowing we both feel like this is a no brainer for us, its time to move on for the sake of us as a couple, us a family and more importantly above all, our little boy who deserves at the very least to call his room, “his room”.
So it’s onwards and upwards I guess while trying again to accept another new normal part of our grief journey and life after loss. Wish us luck!
As Always For Francesca And Leo xxxx