I’ve noticed that recently became a bit unsure of the direction my blog is going in because i’m a bit unsure about life in general at the moment to be honest. I have no clue who I am or what my main purpose is in life anymore. I’ve found myself reaching the grand old age of *cough* 35 next week with 2 babies under my belt. But this wasn’t the life I signed up for because one of my babies live in heaven and the other is here safely in my arms and I don’t know how to cope with the daily mixture of grief and happiness all rolled into one big stupid massive mental breakdown of a ball…this wasn’t the way life was supposed to be.
When Francesca died everything I knew about my life changed. When I heard those awful words “i’m sorry but your baby has died” I knew in that moment, life as I knew it for both me and Steven would never be the same. A part of us would be lost forever. In affect I felt like I died too that day or at least I wanted to. I wanted to be put to sleep and never have to wake up in a world where my baby girl didn’t live. But I do live in this world. A world without baby girl, Francesca , but a world with my baby boy, Leo and i’m desperately trying to find my place within this world. I was plunged into a deep deep darkness and the light only started to come back on when I held Leo safely in my arms after a further 9 months of sheer torture living with the very real terror of PAL.
I decided to just go with the flow when it came to blog and write whatever my mixed up thoughts allowed at the time but then recently something stopped me in my tracks. I had someone recently ask if I could share something for them on my blog but it was OK if I didn’t want to because it wasn’t “stillbirth” related. In that moment It hit me and I wondered “is that all I am to anyone anymore?”, am I simply the “stillbirth girl”. After 35 years on earth of living many different experiences, great groups of friends, tirelessly working long hours towards a career I can be proud of and more importantly a partner of 11 years and 2 beautiful babies who I love more than anything .. is that all just eradicated now because I had a stillbirth?. The message wasn’t meant in harm and the person is actually a real gem but I think what struck me about the message is that I also flipping HATE the term “stillbirth”. I never refer to Francesca as that as like I wrote in my very first blog For Francesca Begins …
Now there’s a chance you may think i’m slightly overreacting here and I agree to a point but i’m also at a massive crossroads in my life where I fiercely need to find that new normal me ‘cos the old ones long gone now and it’s left a big confused mess in its place. I’m also trying to find my way with being a mum to an angel baby and one here on earth without the guilt always weighing heavily on me no matter what I do.
I have been so lucky this year with my little blog evolving into something bigger than I could have ever imagined and with it comes all these new possibilities and opportunities. Some I jump at and some I know just aren’t for me but grateful for all. I’m enjoying all the lovely things coming my way for Leo such as working on some fantastic projects with some pretty amazing companies but then at the same time I instantly feel guilty as I cant do them with Francesca. I then feel guilty for feeling like this and taking away the shine for the memories i’m making with Leo and feel like i’m ruining these happy times by feeling like that. But am I doing enough at the same time to keep Francesca’s memory alive as that’s all we have left of her . I’m exhausted by it all. It’s never ending!
I also feel an awful guilt any time I post pictures of Leo online incase there are those of you out there who find it painful to see. Especially those of you who been through similar to me and Steven and have little ones in heaven too. I completely understand the feeling of longing for a baby who you can’t hold and feeling like you will never get to bring another little baby home one day. I understand why there are those who may need to unfollow my pages, I have been there myself. You have to protect your heart and do what’s best for you. I just hope that if that is the case then please know your always welcome back to For Francesca with a big hug when and if you ever feel up to it.
So for now I think all I can do is “go with the flow” and see where life takes me. This blog may end up a bit of mish mash of random articles but then I guess that’s ok too. I guess thats good reflection of the mish mash that is currently me.
As Always For Francesca and Leo xxx