In our home the happiest little room was always Francesca’s nursery and a place that always made up smile when we went in. It was one little room full of hope, dreams, love and light and I spent many many hours in that room preparing for her arrival. I used to go in, chuck on the spotify playlist that me and Steven made together with songs we wanted her little bump to hear and before I knew it hours would have gone by while I was sorting through her baby grows and outfits imagining how she would look in them. Then we came home from the hospital completely broken beyond belief, without Francesca and that room held only broken dreams and a sadness I cant even put into words. So we closed the nursery door and the days we would spend happily dreaming the hours away were gone.
Unfortunately we didn’t have the option to close the door to that room to let our hearts heal slightly for long as we only have 2 bedrooms in our home and we used some of Francesca’s room to store some every day items like towels so we had to face her beautiful little items every day like a massive reminder of “this is the life you could have had” but instead life came down and brutally ripped it away. Enterring that room can only be described as a physical pain for us both, it was too much for our hearts to take and because of that we made the hardest decision to put all her little items of clothing, teddys, books, blankets and all the other little things I used to just sit and hold while waiting on her , into storage boxes and put them away. We kept some items in her room like the little memory boxes that I bought for her room to start collecting memories in while she was growing up. They used to sit beautifully with the teddy her daddy bought her last Christmas on top but now they are stored in her wardrobe with all the little clothing items and blankets she wore while we had her in hospital. Her beautiful box a friend had made for us now sits pride of place with her ashes snuggled soundly inside next to her hospital tags, a bottle of the perfume I wore while pregnant so she will remember my scent and the very special candle my aunt hand made for her funeral which has the poem written on it that the hospital reverend read out at her blessing. In the drawers underneath her ashes lies her photo albums and some special pieces of clothing that we kept in her room for her. The room felt cold and dark in comparison to how it felt before and the times spent laughing, smiling and playing music to her bump were now replaced with a still quietness with the only sounds being the tears her mummy and daddy would shed standing over her ashes nightly.
Then one day a light of hope appeared when we found out we were expecting her little brother and with that hope he brought us the smiles we thought we would never see again. Being pregnant with this little miracle has been a massive blessing but incredibly difficult in the sense we live in fear of losing him too so trying to get through each day is a task in itself. We knew from the day we found out he was our baby that we wanted to make the memories with his little bump the way we had with his sister and one of those memories would be preparing his nursery for his arrival too. The thing is Francesca’s little room was going to need to be his little room now too so how would we be able to bring ourselves to go back in there and open our hearts up again for what could possibly more tragedy and loss. Many other fears came too such as would she think we’ve moved on and forgot about her now we have her little brother to focus on and would she be ok sharing her room or any of her special little things with him too? The guilt of something or other is always a prominent feature in our lives now.
Over the last 7 months the bond we have grew with this wee man is so special and we’ve slowly caught ourselves dreaming again . We found ourselves going back into the nursery to start hanging up his own little baby blue outfits in the place his sisters pink outfits once were and chatting about the dreams we have for him and what his life will hold for him too. We’ve caught ourselves laughing again in that room and even bickering away over how to decorate his nursery, just the way we did with Francesca. Dakota now hears the words again “No, this is the babys room , its not for you now” while we giggle away at him trying to sneak in and I swear even he looks like he smiles when he hears those words again. That room is becoming such a happy place again and every night before bed we both find ourselves going in to admire all the little bits and pieces that’s starting to fill up his room and just take it all in for a while and smile at the hope this room brings with it again.
We’ve laughed and wondered over the thoughts that if our little princess was still here would she really be so welcoming for her brother to share her room, I mean she REALLY was our little princess from day one and we always used to giggle and say she would be like her mummy with “only child syndrome” as apparently I’m not one for sharing my space either! We have taken some of her things like her Guess How Much I Love You book collection and the teddy bear her daddy bought her and left it for her brother as we think she would be OK with that and its such a special items that we think its just a nice thing for them to share.
We have thought long and hard about how to make the small space large enough to make sure we still keep all of the precious items we have of hers in the room along with her brothers now. I’m not sure how I feel about keeping her ashes in the room when her brother gets her but Steven really loves the idea as they would be sharing the room anyway if she was here and he’s right. It may also provide more comfort at the thought that her spirit is watching over him every night too, his very own guardian angel, but for now all we can do is follow our hearts and I guess we will know what’s best when the time comes.