I recently turned 40 and do you know what, I’m ‘A’ OK with that!
I’m happy to be moving forward into a new decade, a new chapter into more unexpected paragraphs in my life’s biography. I’m feeling slightly liberated at being my now F*** IT FORTIES!! I can fully see why my gran reached a point where she just said it how it was not caring about the shocked expressions or the silence that befell the room with her cutting words at times. I get it. Patience and giving a shit really does have a limit and when life throws you continous lemons it’s hard not to turn a little bit sour along the way. But it’s also kind of refreshing to reach a point where caring what people think of you or your life choices doesn’t really have any impact on your day-to-day life whatsoever. It’s a lot easier to cut the toxic out no matter how hard that break will be. I wish I had even a little bit of this “me” in my twenties. I could’ve saved myself a lot of wasted time on absolute wallopers!
On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve ever been so open-minded or empathetic to other people’s feelings. We’ve lost too many people close to us these last 6 years that when I come across someone who is a keeper and in my heart just know they will be in my circle for life. I look at the world a little brighter now and take in the little moments more than probably people realise. I’m grateful for everything we have and everything we’ve worked hard to have. I feel pride in us to have pulled ourselves out of the shit (as some would say) to become what we are now as a family of three on earth with one very special little angel in heaven. I can smile at the silliest things and I’ve found my loud cheeky laugh that I thought died alongside my daughter without that sudden horrific guilty surge, telling myself that I have no right to feel happy. It took a long time but I got there.
But it feels heavy still.
The weight of grief on my heart never leaves and sometimes it’s too much to manage. I find that big life events and anniversaries bring a surge of sadness like no other out of me and it drives me mad that I’m still unable to control these unwanted emotions. I don’t want to make a fuss about my birthdays or things as it’s just hard to celebrate the big moments with half a heart left. I really have become almost a master at compartmentalising to see me through a day and keeping busy is my saviour as the quiet times are still too loud in my mind. I’m no “role model” nor do I have the advice to hand out to tell others ways to manage their grief but one thing I know for sure is that I promise if I can bloody do it then you can too. My thirties were full of the highest heights and the darkest lows I never thought I’d be able to find my way out of. But I did and I’m grateful for that. Leo was and will always be my reason for keeping going and what a reason he is! The most special wee boy with a face that really could only have been sent to us from the angels.
I’ve had a download of thoughts and reflective moments this year and felt like I should maybe put all these random thoughts on here in case anyone else out there can take even a little bit of comfort from it.
I also recently lost a very special close family member who was suddenly taken from us far too soon. She taught me so many amazing new ways to look at life. The most amazing soul and my absolute rock especially over these last few years. She really was incredible and could never be replaced in my and many other’s hearts. She helped me look at my loss with a different perspective and without even knowing it, she’s helped me process her own death with her beautiful words over the years that will always have a lasting effect on me. I will never take becoming a year older for granted again as many others out there just don’t get that privilege. Her love for life was infectious and her most beautiful family will always be my inspiration. One true soul that the world was lucky to have.
Here’s to the next decade. I wonder what it has in store.
“Til you can breathe on your own
Hold tight; you’re slowly coming back to life
I’ll be keeping your head up”
FOR FRANCESCA 