So there we have it, the door was officially closed on our happy little home and now we’re off on adventures new. I can’t say it was easy packing up our old life. I think I spent the weeks before we handed the keys in a complete emotional mess. An absolute state of affairs if you will.
The pain flooded back like it was February 2018 all over again and the bitter memories of the latter months of 2017 where we spent the months leading up to our baby girls arrival happy. God , “happy” …. mind that time we were completely happy with full hearts excited for our futures. Wide eyes and bloody bushy tailed like a couple of young teenagers who had just started dating or something. Realising we had created a brand new little life with our love seemed to inject such a rush of love between us a couple that I didn’t know was possible especially as at the point we had already been together for 10 years. I miss that couple. I miss who we were back then. I hate that we have to live a life shrouded in grief no matter what we try and do and if I’m honest its became concerning at times. I wondered if that house held too many bad memories for us as a couple.
We sold our house to a really nice young couple who were looking to settle into a family home, maybe to plan a family of their own one day just the way we had done when we viewed the house. it reminded me so much of the way we used to be. There was just something about their excitement they had for our home that made me feel drawn to them but also so sad for the life we once had that’s now lost forever.
We emptied our furniture the night before the move so we could hand the keys back early & while Leo spent time with his granny, we grabbed a Chinese from the local takeaway. A wee parting farewell to them too, that take away got me through many a night time pregnant dash for salt n pepper chix wings with wee Rexy in his bump. We spent a little time on sitting on the floor of the empty living room , taking in every little last piece to store away for memories of the place we were once happy in. We laughed about all the funny times we had there and shed a few wee tears as wee said our final goodbyes together.
The next day I had to drop by for 5 minutes for a final check and something came over to play a song that I have buried away in the back of my mind and skip whenever spotify randomly plays it to me . It was a song that was out when I was pregnant with Francesca and I used to dance about with her bump while in the height of the nesting stage , cleaning the house top to bottom every day and cooking meals. I used to stare out the kitchen window while it played imagining my little curly haired girl playing with her daddy and Dakota out the back. On her 1st birthday I was sitting on the side of my bed staring at Leo in his little next to me , thinking how beyond lucky I was to have him and how sad I was I didn’t get to see my baby girl sleep here too. The song came on in the background and for this once I decided to let it play. I closed my eyes and I swear I could see her right there beside me saying “mummy its ok , i’m OK and I’m right here ” , I imagined her dancing and singing away then resting her wee head on my shoulder and when the song finished it was almost like she just turned to leave the room but not before giving me a cheeky little wave goodbye.
So I played “Everything Now” by Arcade Fire, as a final goodbye from me to the house, I took pictures and some videos so that when Leos older we can show him them if he likes. I stood for a moment in the hall and then when the song finished I grabbed the last lonely box that was left and I closed the door on that chapter and opened my heart to the next new adventures with my little family. I hope with Francesca always watching us from her little cloud xxx
As Always For Francesca And Leo xxx
FOR FRANCESCA 