I’m Zains Mummy aka Emma, Emz whatever you want to call me…and this is my story..
On the 21st October 2017 by complete surprise as I’ve always been one for irregular periods etc so never thought of taking tests I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant…I was so happy, elated, excited, the thing I never thought would happen to me happened to me (never thought I’d say that again in the worst possible way further down the line) I was going to become a mummy.
I was such of these careful people, I protected myself from everything possible I needed to get to the safe mark (how laughable that is now because it’s not f’in true we are never safe) how naive and uneducated I feel now for not realising that back then..at 6 weeks I remember I had a small bleed i panicked went to the hospital but they scanned found the heartbeat and said it was implantation bleeding and my baby was fine! Yes yes and yes come on baby we got this…7,8,9,10,11,12 weeks! Come on baby we are sailing through this, 12 weeks bingo we made it we have made it..so I thought…
From as far as I can remember when I was a little girl I always wanted a son first, to protect his sisters as he’d be the oldest and we are a family full of girls..me being me and can’t wait and all the team will tell you how impatient I am, I booked myself in for an early fender scan, 5th January 2018! I remember I went into the room with my mum and my eldest sister and I said if it’s not a boy then it’s not coming out. She scanned me in 4d and I seen the most amazing human growing inside me but being so mischievous kept turning around and around..she said got it! Biggest smile on her face she goes it’s a boy! My heart leapt out of my chest, not only did I have the most beautiful thing happen to me, I was having my boy! My beautiful baby boy!
His dad wasn’t fully head turned around the pregnancy until I was about 18 weeks, then he came round and we was happy, I was moving down to Essex to be with him, our baby was going to be a proper Essex boy, his dad introduced me to his family, our life’s was planned out…
20 week scan, Ali was working and i was like I’ll be fine you go to work and I’ll go with my mum it’s nice for other people to come with me anyway I want everyone to see my baby anyway. The sonographer was taking ages but I was staring at his heart beating my baby was fine I didn’t care what she was doing but I remember she kept saying look at how big his lips are what a pouter he is and he’s definitely a boy and very proud to be a boy
…she said everything’s fine I don’t want you to worry but I want to refer you to the foetal medicine unit for a follow up, yes that’s fine I was thinking probably because of my dwarfism I need to be monitored, my baby was kicking moving heart beating I’m fine and my sons fine…it’s just procedure
I was called in the next week and yet another scan this time with genetics midwife was there, she was asking my mum thousands of questions about her pregnancy with me, my dad, then she came to me and was asking about my life, alis life, alis background etc. They scanned and they was laughing at how active my son was…she goes all done but I need you to wait in that room and we’ll be in as soon as we can…
I said to my mum why are they so secretive because he has dwarfism…I’m not bothered it’s not a shock, me and Ali have dwarfism so there’s no issues….they came in and their faces had changed…I said what’s up? My boys a dwarf so what? What’s the issue? I see this next bit in my dreams, in flashbacks day in day out, piece by piece…they started drawing this genetic diagram of a genetic tree…
They drew me and Ali with one white circle, one black circle as we have dwarfism, mine and alis mum with two white circles as they are average height and mine and alis dads with a black and white circle representing their dwarfism…I said right I get it..so is Zain tall or small as we had either chance…they drew to black circles as clear as this •• I said what does that mean? They said double dwarfism…he’s not going to make it…he’s got both the same gene it can’t be fixed and i doesn’t work genetically..I said what do you mean? What’s happening? My world was shattering but I refused to believe it…I demanded every test so reluctantly but in despair I told them to the amniocentesis, i needed results, I needed answers, I needed the truth..
I ran to find signal in the hospital so I could ring Ali, I remember being in the hospital and ringing Ali and just said the baby’s going to die, get here drive here now what do I do? My mum said to me after Zain passed away she could see my legs going beneath me that day she had to hold me up…he drove to me that night and we went for the test the next day 13th February to be precise…we decided to still celebrate Valentine’s Day because we didn’t have firm results, looking back now I was in denial, my baby wasn’t dying he was kicking he was moving, hiccupping he was fine!! Ali took me to the most beautiful spa we had a ball and I actually forgot what was going on…what the unknown does to you
16th February we had the dreaded phone call with the results, zain had double dwarfism. In medical terms homozygous achondroplasia, I googled and googled and googled and even that had no idea except a fatal lethal condition which the thorax bone crushes the lungs and leaves baby in vegetable state..
I had 48 hours to decide what to do, how they do that to a human is beyond me, no amount of time is enough but 48 hours!! The choice was either to carry on and either he dies inside me or I’ll go for fullterm and he’ll die in delivery or shortly after. I didn’t know what to do, what does any mother do in that situation. Choosing basically whether their child lives or dies…took me days and days and I chose I couldn’t watch my son suffer, I couldn’t let him come out with him gasping for air, struggling to breathe, I can live with my son not having a leg or a finger or an arm, but breathing takes everything it’s our one thing we have to do for ourselves…I couldn’t let him struggle to do that on his own.
25 gruelling hours later on the 23rd February 2018 where all I remember is how that diamorphine was amazing and how perfect my son was when he entered the world fast asleep…he was here. I was a mummy. Just not in the way I ever ever imagined. His dad was there throughout my birth, left my side a few times for cigarettes and my sister and alis friend was there as my birth partners. My sister however was the most amazing person in the world. I can’t ever repay her for how she was in the delivery suite with me..
As soon as I pushed Zain out, my placenta wasn’t even fully out, Ali was out of the room, the midwife said Ali don’t leave her now, he didn’t listen he ran, my sister being my sister was furious, I said just leave him he can’t deal with it (so I thought)… 10-15 minutes later still no sign of Ali, his friend came back in the room and said Ali doesn’t want to come in to see the baby, he’s going to find a hotel and go for food ..I said what so he doesn’t want to see me? He entered the room reluctantly and quickly left again…told me he’ll come back later when family and friends have been to visit Zain but if he comes back he told me not have Zain in the room…I craved Ali I needed love I needed him, I needed someone..my son was dead I needed Ali..I asked the midwifes to look after Zain for the night, how I wish I didn’t know but yeh…
Ali came back and stayed the night with me, he wouldn’t touch me, he wouldn’t be near me, he wouldn’t hold me, he wouldn’t talk…he’s grieving Emma he’s grieving I kept telling myself. I fell asleep next morning about 7am alis up and dressed and said to me ‘I’m going back to Essex’ I’ll sort the funeral and let you know when it is and you just be there…I agreed with everything I was in a bubble I didn’t have a f’in clue what was going on all I knew was my son was dead in the room upstairs being looked after by midwifes. I needed my son back ..yeah okay I said it’s fine (in my head all I thought was the quicker you go, the quicker I get my baby back) just go…
26th February, the funeral was going ahead whether I liked it or not, I know now I wasn’t ready but I felt ready at the time..I remember I felt fine until the minute I put Zain in his Moses basket for the last time, that’s when it broke me…I’m never going to see you again am I? I love you to the moon and back I whispered..and handed him to the midwifes..1:30pm I left the hospital..
3:30pm the funeral was going ahead, hated every minute of it, I just wanted to scream stop but nothing was coming out…we placed Zain into the ground and Ali walked away, told me he was leaving me at the wake, he was gone quicker than I can say boo…
I thought I’m not having this, I jumped on the train in a grey tracksuit, was red from the afterbirth by the time I got from Manchester to Essex…the train guard in London Euston was staring at me I said I’m just going to get my sons dad back I’m okay I’m okay…
Got to Ali’s house in Essex and I remember it was snowing that really bad snow the UK had at the beginning of the year, I banged on the door, he opened it, I said please help me, he said go away and the door was slammed in my face, leaving me in the snow, 200 miles away from home, he told the police to section me…I flew at the police and showed them a picture of Zain, my son died 72 hours ago you cannot section me I just need my baby back I want my husband to be back!!! I’ve not seen Ali since….I know people grieve but they don’t do such a cruel thing like that. I died that day with my son, the old emz died and my ashes were trampled on by that son of a bitch. 2018 you broke me, you demolished me but you opened my eyes, 2019 I’m coming for you!
Everything I do now is in memory of my son Zain. I’m a mummy to an angel who made me into a stronger person and I believe he wanted me to walk this path that I’m on today. Finding new friends, a new company, a new job but most importantly finding this whole new me.
I make no apologies for sharing my story. This is me xx
You can follow more of Emma’s story at https://www.instagram.com/h.e.a.r.t.s_support/ where she is part of a collective who strive to Help Empty Arms Recover Through Sharing . They are 5 mummies to 6 sleeping babies called Zain, Alexander, Oliver,Aria, Baby Brown and im sure they would love to hear from you all 💙💖💛
FOR FRANCESCA 