So here I am saying the words I never thought I would be able to say again … I’m pregnant… and our little baby boy is due sometime January 2019.
I feel so blessed to be given another chance at possibly bringing one of my children home with me and I say possibly because my mind and heart has been crushed beyond belief that I don’t know if we will suffer the same fate again. Those around me want to make me feel better in a way and want to tell me “don’t worry , every thing will be fine this time”, “lightening doesn’t strike twice”, ” this wont happen again, this time you’ll be looked after properly” … and I love them for trying to console me but I also feel like screaming out loud as they don’t know that, no one knows what will happen , my fears are deep rooted and far beyond any help that a few kind words will have. I had all my fears with Francesca brushed aside right up until that final night we were wrongly discharged from hospital and I am beyond terrified that the same will happen again. I honestly don’t know if I will survive the death of another child and its a fear that takes over my daily existence now.
After Francesca’s post mortem results were returned we found out that the conditions that she suffered will reoccur in subsequent pregnancies and at that time I had the most crushing feeling in my heart that there is a very real possibility I may never bring home a baby one day. I wondered if it would be selfish to even try again and chance that another of our children would suffer the same fate. I also had a great deal of physical effects from the birth and a lot of issues following from it which made me wonder if I could ever conceive again aswell as my age concerns. But with Stevens support he made me realise that we have so much love to give our children one day that we couldn’t just give up all hope and we had to chase our dream of becoming a mummy and daddy again. I also think in a way we felt so heartbroken that we just couldn’t imagine having the empty feeling in our hearts aswell as our arms for the rest of our lives and we wondered If having another little one may help heal our hearts slightly, never completely but maybe enough to allow us to smile again.
So as fate would have it, in May 26th, exactly 1 year to the day we found out we were expecting Francesca we found out we were 2weeks pregnant and expecting another little blessing . It was the first time in months we had truly smiled and had a little light come back to us. Strangely I had the strongest feeling I was pregnant for a week before the test and felt extremely nauseous and dizzy but I just couldn’t allow myself to hope as the disappointment would be too much. So I waited to the day I could take the early pregnancy test and snuck out of bed at 4.30am to take it & when the lines appeared I was stunned…I walked back into our room, woke Steven and told him the news and we just sat there for a good 2 hours in shock, smiling and muttering away to ourselves. We had a wee holiday booked away up north so we bundled Dakota in the car and set off on our wee break as a foursome, not before I ran into a chemist on the way to take another test and run it by the pharmacist to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating an extra line…I wasn’t. Also as another little sign we found out our due date would be Francesca’s birthday of Feb 8th. Since that day we’ve both been so emotionally confused as the grief from Francesca is still so hard to breathe through but the happiness from being blessed with another bundle is so lovely . There’s been happiness, sadness, grief, excitement, panic, guilt , hope, tears, laughter, calmness, worry and everything else from A to Z in the alphabet.
The hardest thing is having no control over the situation and having to relinquish it back to the midwives/doctors I struggle to trust at all now. Thankfully we found a connection with the consultant who helped us through Francesca’s death and we are now under his care but the hardest part about that is that we now need to be seen at the same hospital that we feel let us down so badly the last time. We both know that its not the “hospitals” fault but as you know 1 or 2 bad apples can spoil the full bunch and they did except it was ours and our daughters lives they took. We received some fantastic care after Francesca died but it was the care we received on the lead up to her death that was lacking and were both terrified of making the wrong decision of where to be cared for this time. We spent so long trying to decide where we should be cared for and after many many weeks of research we found that there are similar cases all around the Glasgow area as well as UK wide so in effect there’s no where to turn to for us to be completely safe, there’s massive failings all around the UK and the 1 in 9 category we fall into could be a lot bloody lower if only some more care, focus and attention was given to us and our children and a lot less families would be coming home empty handed having to plan their childs funeral. We have been assured that the upmost care will be provided to us this time and anything we need or want will be given .So far I am 19 weeks and have had 6 scans with our 7th booked next week which is great and so relieved to know our little prince is being given the start he deserves I only wish the same was given of his big sister and then she would be here with him to snuggle into and be forever friends.
As always for Francesca Alexis Johnston
Born 8/2/18 at 6.01am
Forever Loved & Forever Missed XXX