The absolute shock and trauma of the last 3 months has shaken us more than we ever thought life could. I wouldn’t say I have had one of the easiest of upbringings nor one of the worst by far as I have always been grateful for what life has given me .. until now.
I have always had a very strong faith belief even though I may not visit my place of worship often other than family christenings, communions or confirmations, I still believed in the good and tried to live my life the most loving way I knew how and probably failing miserably at times but we’re only human. I always believed in what you put into the universe you receive back and probably thinking about it now I have quite ignorantly believed that if times are tough then there’s always something amazing waiting for you around the corner to pick you back up again. I have grown up with a mum who has battled a painful degenerative disease since her 20s and I remember hearing the phrase “god only gives you what he feels you can handle” and thinking wow! He must think my mums the strongest person alive.
Now my usual beliefs of “everything happens for a reason”, “God works in mysterious way” blah blah blah has gone right out our big living room window. I no longer believe in fate and karma because if I allow myself to it means I am a horrible awful person deserving of this tragedy, deserving of watching my precious loved ones break their hearts every day because they miss Francesca so much and mourn the life she never had. Do I allow myself to still believe in fate and think that god felt I deserved this heartache and life sentence of pain, regret over what could have been and the guilt over not protecting my baby? What could his grand plan be for me now? Has he decided that this kicking of one’s heart is maybe enough for him to move onto another unsuspecting victim decorating her nursery as we speak and thinking that the day she goes into hospital to deliver her long-awaited baby is actually the day she gets to kiss her baby goodbye forever. Do I allow myself to believe in karma? That would mean that the age-old tale of what goes around comes around has come around ten-fold to me only I don’t know what I did to deserve this?
I know there will be those reading this who are thinking that you can’t just pick and choose when to have faith. That there will always be times to test our faiths no matter what religion you follow, and you should stand strong in those times even more so than the happy times and believe that your god has a plan for you and will not want you to suffer. You may think that hard times are sent to test you and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and god works in mysterious ways. But I can’t understand what these supposed ways are now. I will never understand the cruelty that was imposed upon us these last few months. Will it be one day I will wake up with a new sense of understanding and have a heart full of faith in the great things still to come for us? possibly…. but for now, my heart and soul are completely closed and its such a sad lonely existence to wonder. .is this it? Is this our lot? Is this the life god has picked out for me? Why did he take our healthy baby from us? What made him think that she was undeserving of a life with a mummy and daddy that loved her very much?
So many thousands of parents have been through the loss of their child before us and tragically thousands more will continue to at times unnecessarily lose theirs too. I wonder if they have questioned their beliefs also. I scour the internet for stories of how others overcome their grief and turn their tragedies into beautiful positive stories fit for the memory of their little lost angels. I have met some amazingly strong women and men who have continued after their loss and created a life full of love while never forgetting their beautiful child who has always been the missing piece of their lives. I can only hope that one day I find the inner peace and strength to fulfil a legacy fit for Francesca’s memory the way these others have.
I don’t for one-minute want this to come across as a woe me tale and how sympathetic you should all be for me, because I don’t. Every single person on this earth has their own stories and demons to work through and I must admit the ones I know with the saddest of stories who face these with a strong heart and a widely optimistic positive outlook, are wholly and completely my forever heroes not the Z list celebrities that grace our newspapers every day. I am simply just trying to work out my own “demons” and trying to get a glimpse of the old me somewhere. I wonder if this pessimistic way of living will ever leave me now. I can’t see a way out of this misery whereas before I would always believe that there were angels looking out for me but for now I think they may have lost my address. Will they find it again one day? I hope so as then I will be able to have some hope…HOPE.. now there is a word that Steven and I no longer believe in.
I wish I could say more to help those reading this who can relate with our story of heartache but at the moment I am just too lost to do so. Maybe one day we will and one of our blog posts will simply be titled “How I found my faith again”, now wouldn’t that be an exciting read.
As always For Francesca Alexis Johnston , Born 8/2/18 . Forever loved and forever missed xxx