I was listening to Bozoma St John on the Emma Grede podcast this morning, and it was one of those episodes that makes you stop what you’re doing and really listen.
She said a line that’s still sitting with me:
“Did you do something wrong?
Or did people just not like it?”
And honestly? That question hit something in me.
Because how many times have we gone over something in our heads, trying to figure out where we messed up?
What we said was wrong.
How we came across.
Why someone pulled back, distanced themselves, or made us feel like we were “too much.”
We second-guess ourselves out of habit.
Especially if we’ve been through a few things, heartbreak, loss, grief, burnout, identity shifts and the rest of all that jazz!
The truth is, I’ll probably always carry some level of blame inside me, deep down, for losing my daughter.
Even though I know the logic. Even though I’ve worked through so much of it.
It’s still there, under the surface. That quiet, aching belief that somehow, maybe I should’ve done more. That I missed something. That I failed her.
So when I talk about letting go of guilt, or learning not to blame yourself, I need you to know… I’m still learning that, too.
This will always be a work in progress for me.
But what Boz said reminded me:
Sometimes it’s not about right or wrong. Sometimes it’s just about honesty. Growth. Survival. And the hard truth is, not everyone will like who you become in the aftermath.
You might be softer now. Or stronger. Or harder to access. You might say no more often. You might stop explaining yourself. And not everyone will clap for that. Not everyone will stay. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
If you’re in the middle of picking up the pieces, figuring out who you are now, and how to live with everything you carry, just try and remember that you’re allowed to trust yourself, you’re allowed to show up differently or change. You’re allowed to protect your peace, your time, your energy.
Let it be messy. Let it be slow. Let it be a work in progress.
Because that’s still growth.
You didn’t survive all this just to keep blaming yourself. You survived it so you could start again, on your terms.
As always, for Francesca and Leo xxx
FOR FRANCESCA 