And Breathe …

And just like that, Baby Loss Awareness Week is over for another year but what an impact it left. I feel like in general the sheer amount of posts, stories , articles I seen have increased since 2018. I was so proud of each and every family who courageously shared their own traumatic stories. I tried to do what little I could to help raise the profile for this campaign too. The feeling of community who banded together to break down the stigmas was beyond heart warming. The baby loss community are some of the most kindest, genuine and thoughtful souls I have ever come across. I for one felt a lot less alone this week knowing “I’m not the only one” feeling like this. But and its a big BUT… if I’m honest, I think I feel a little relieved that its over with.

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This is my second Baby Loss Awareness Week since Francesca died and same as last year I found it slightly suffocating at times. I felt at times like it was EVERYWHERE I turned. I guess as it bloody well should be as it deserves all the recognition it can get but I did struggle with it too. I mainly use social media to pop in and out of to share my story, catch up with you guys, mindlessly scroll or let my mind escape for a while from the daily stresses we all have but I knew I would have to mentally prepare myself when I clicked on my apps this week. I knew I would be hit by a tidal wave of grief every time I scrolled through my feed. I would see grief like no other and I hate that other families are going through this awful situation too. I have a miniature version of the candle we burned at Francesca’s funeral and as I lit it and as I watched it flicker for the Wave Of Light hour, I couldn’t help but be consumed by absolute sadness but also the sheer horror of the amount of babies all over the world who are missing from our arms. The amount of families left …broken…what’s left of my own broken heart breaks even more for them all.

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I still cant seem to get a grip or even understand myself very well at the moment so for me no two days are ever emotionally the same. Some days I find the pain easier to cope with as over time there are less ” really bad days” that those first few months constantly brought me. Then other days I struggle to work out how to put my trainers on through the brain fog. I have had to learn to work very hard at trying to find things to “take my mind off” things (if there ever even is such a thing). If I didn’t have a few minutes light relief here and there from our reality at times then these last 20 months would have chewed me up and spat me brutally back out. I think its the only way I have survived this far by keeping my mind occupied and busy. But its hard to escape your brutal reality in times when there is a massive spotlight on the very thing you wish you could run and hide from each day of the year as it is.

If I’m honest I was even feeling a little pissed off too because I knew once this week was over that most of the world will through no fault of their own, just go back about their general day to day lives , never really needing to know the impacts that baby loss can have unless they too have suffered a loss of such magnitude or seek to find out more about. I am pissed off but I am also supremely jealous of them too. I wish I could be as oblivious as those people. I miss my naivety. I wish I never knew that babies can die and life carries on regardless. It sucks.

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But for all my grieving mummy moaning perspcetive and rantings here on this blog, I really am so thankful for those who worked tirelessly to give us this platform . They raised such an amazing profile, one that only looks likely to grow bigger and better every successive year. Thank you to all involved for giving us such a powerful voice. I am also so proud of those families who managed to bravely share their stories. I know its not easy to be so publicly vulnerable so I genuinely think you are such an inspiration to me and many others.

I hope if you are struggling in anyway or feeling a little overwhelmed like me that you have managed to get a little time to breathe since #BLAW2019 has ended. This October may be be extra difficult for bereaved mummies and daddies so I’m sending you millions of love.

As always For Francesca and Leo xxx

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