I’ve not been myself lately…
My head is full. Full of thoughts. Full of memories. Full of things to do. Full of doubting myself. Full of worry. Full of mummy guilt.
I’ve found myself somewhat on edge recently. Fairly intolerant. Patience is thin and reactions are quick. My voice is raised more often than not and I find my best is given too often outside of our home.
On the rare occasion I have the space to reflect, I give myself a bit of a hard time and wonder whether my mental health is compromised much like it was when you were just a baby.
I am not myself lately, and you know why? We’re reaching a massive milestone and I now realise it’s been playing on my mind. I’ve been plodding along pretending it’s not actually happening, despite buying you a uniform, name labels, pencils, a school bag…
I am not myself lately and you know why? its because you, my IVF miracle, my only child, have turned 5 and you’re about to start school.
You’re my only child, not through choice, not for for any of us. And with that, this starting school milestone has hit me hard.
I’m not myself lately and I know why – I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to admit that the baby years are over. I’ll never get to do that again. I’m not ready for you to step into a new world. The one where you’ll accidentally call your teacher ‘Mum’ instead of ‘Miss’ cos you’ll spend more time with her than me. The one where you go to after-school club once a week while your dad and I are still at work. The one where you make friends for life, the ones you could be drinking pints with when you turn 18.
I’m not ready to hit the fast forward button onto the next speed. The past 5 years have already gone much faster than I ever thought possible.
But I need to make peace with all of this because it’s happening and you are ready. You are ready in so many ways. You are ready to keep learning and expand your mind. You’re ready for this next level of independence. You’re ready to show more of the world just how beautiful, compassionate, kind and fun you are.
So my boy, my beautiful amazing miracle of a boy, I hope you know how exciting this new world is going to be. How much of an impact your going to have on those you meet. How much your going to learn and how much your going to teach your dad and I.
I hope you know how proud I am, we are. Of the wonderful character you’ve already become. We’re proud of all you have achieved and everything else you’re waiting to conquer.
To Jimi, my 5 year old miracle, the night before you start school. I love you…Go, be the Star you are!
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