Living or Existing?

These last 4 months since Leo was born has flew by…actually the last year since Francesca died then was born has. What has actually happened to this massive portion of my life. 2018/19 has disappeared in a haze of grief and happiness all at once. I think i’ve been living in some crazy twilight zone where time moves a little bit different for all of us in the bereaved parent club that no one wants to be a part of. You know the one where you want time to pass quickly incase that tiny glimmer hope is true that time might heal our a brokenness a little and things wont always be so painful but then want it to stop altogether. You want it to stop moving away from the last time you ever seen your child. You need the world to just bloody stop for a minute and let you catch your breath. I wonder how it can possibly be “last year” already since Francesca died?.

 

I feel like iv been robbed a bit of Leos first few precious months on earth in the sense that I haven’t allowed myself to fully accept he’s here, he’s safe, he’s healthy and he’s ALIVE. I was/am so scared that the universe was/is playing another cruel joke on me and that even though my gorgeous baby was born alive that something cruel and awful would happen and he would/will be taken right back off me again. I was/am terrified of something happening to him and that it would affect my ability to bond with him because of this. Would the walls of defense I cemented up sturdily around my heart stop the love I feel for him to break through the bricks. When I was pregnant with Leo, I constantly worried about this…how could I allow myself to love something so much again as the pain is beyond unbearable when they leave and in my mind set everything I ever love again will leave me. I don’t know if that’s part of the grief but I fear this more than anything now. I’m frightened to love anything too much as maybe I’m sealing their fate to be taken away, how crazy is that? I worry that all my loved ones will be taken away from me now or that something bad will happen to me now. Its a pretty grim existence. And its that word that sums up the struggle of my life and parenthood now, existence. I feel like I’m simply existing at the moment instead of living life and I hope I can change that. I hope my heart allows me that grace.

 

I am so grateful to say that thankfully when Leo was born the love I felt far outweighed the fear and I had no choice in the matter, I loved this special wee boy more than I ever thought possible and even though there’s fear still in my heart it hasn’t affected my ability to bond with my son. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to say that as once you’ve suffered a loss so great nothing is ever rational again. You’re a mix of confusing emotions so strong you’ve no control over them and fear is one of the ones I struggle with the most. I have always been extra aware of looking out for the signs of post natal depression in me especially as I owe it to my son to have this awareness around it and not be afraid to talk or ask for help when I felt things were getting on top of me.  This is something iv been getting help for recently although I cant say its PND that’s causing my feelings as with the GPs help I’m trying to clear some of the fog surrounding my grief to break the barriers downs within my mind without worrying too much about “naming” a particular condition when its more than likely there’s a few separate things intertwining but I feel its important that I acknowledge these feelings and do my best to work through it anyway I can . I owe it to myself to allow myself to become healthy again without “survivors guilt” hanging over me but I cant promise myself i’ll ever be able to fully let myself do that.

 

I wonder if others out there feel the same way I do after experiencing similar tragedies. Its just another part of my grief journey I guess. One I hope to overcome one day.

(My baby girl)

As always for Francesca and Leo xxx